For nearly all of us, especially after 911 if not before, air travel has become loathsome in nearly every way. Now, with the newly proposed TSA measures in response to the 25 December attempt to destroy Delta Flight 253, things will take another step toward utter absurdity.
Let’s all agree—the TSA seems to have little choice. In the face of incessant attempts by evil (let’s use the proper term here), scheming, destructive, and completely crazed lunatics that are part of al Qaeda and other terrorist groups, the TSA has take increasingly bizarre measures to address safety concerns. Regular folks like you and me all find this intrusive and constraining, but there is little else to do at the moment.
The new security steps would prevent any of us from leaving our seats 1 hour prior to arrival, and we can no longer have anything on our laps or near our person during that same time. So, put down that book. Do away with your blanket (so many airplanes have overly frigid cabins). Stow your computer. Hold your pee. While flights were tedious, boring, and barely tolerable before, we’re moving to a new level of mind-bending “airborne maximum security” here.
Perhaps we should bypass all of these little gradations leading up to complete surveillance and restraint during the flights and get to the endgame—Total Sedation Airtravel (T.S.A.). The T.S.A. measures specify that each person is hooked up to an I.V. with sedatives before liftoff. All passengers will remain in a state of controlled anesthesia for the duration of the flight, and a licensed anesthesiologist can administer the proper medicine to wake everyone up just before deplaning. All passengers also receive a catheter for obvious reasons.
Here’s the upside:
1) No more annoying passengers making conversation with us even after we have given increasingly direct indications that we just want to be left alone.
2) No more being disrupted every time a person in our row has to use the restroom because he/she failed to take care of business before entering the plane while also failing to recognize that drinking three cans of ginger ale and a 20oz Dasani is going to prompt the call of nature.
3) No more truly inane chatter from the pilot to wake us up just after we have finally fallen asleep despite the terribly uncomfortable seats and altogether irritating sound of some in seat 17B who is broadcasting her hiphop music fetish to the rest of the passengers through two tiny earbuds.
4) No more hearing the sound of impatient knuckleheads unbuckling their seatbelts before being instructed to do so at the gate. I am baffled that people are so eager to unbuckle early when it gets them no closer to exiting the awful aircraft any sooner than the rest of us. These are very likely the same people, who, when driving in congested traffic, drive frantically to advance ahead of one car only to then throw on the brakes because there’s no where to go. Genius.
5) No more crappy airline “food”. All passengers are on a dextrose drip with their I.V., so no other food is needed.
6) No more being pummeled by the things careless passengers have slung over their shoulders. I was recently blasted right in the face by the shoulder bag of another passenger who was entirely absorbed in the task of finding the right seat. His bag slid down and nailed me square in the nose. He didn’t offer an apology. Sadly, I was less surprised by the omission of his regret.
7) No more inebriated passengers. It’s sadly ironic that airlines put such emphasis on passengers being alert, in control, and disciplined during the flight while at the same time offering “happy hour”. It’s about the money, and it’s stupid. With T.S.A., this problem is solved.
8) No more insulting movies about “deep vein thrombosis prevention” during long flights. I have never seen any passenger do the ridiculous in situ exercises shown in these videos.
9) No more people bringing aboard all of their luggage because they self-importantly believe that their schedule is so vital that they cannot check any bags. People: it’s “one bag and a small purse” not a roller bag, a garment bag, a computer bag, a backpack, and three plastic bags full of stuffed animals and keychains for the grandkids. Fortunately, with T.S.A., this aggravation goes away. Thank heaven’s for T.S.A.!
10) No more idiotic, murder-plotting terrorists can do anything during flights. They can dream of destruction or how proud they think God will be of their cowardice, I suppose. T.S.A. isn’t designed to address that level of control….yet.
–John R. Durant 2009